my depression comes in waves. that’s how it’s always been and i’m so damn used to it by now. but the one thing that i’m not used to is the way everybody thinks that i’m better, over it and fine just because my lil depression ocean™️ is calm for now. i just want to scream. because no, i’m not better and i’m not over it and i’m not fucking fine. even when i eat properly, have a good sleeping schedule, follow my routines and smile everything sucks. everything sucks all the fucking time. the only difference is that when i do all these “good” things, the sucky shit is just easier to get through. that’s why i can eat, sleep, do what i should and smile. but i still want to die, i still want to cut my wrists, i still hate myself, i still want to loose weight, i still love the feeling you get from starving, i still get flashbacks and i still walking through hardwork stores just to look at sharp objects and think about how they would feel against my skin. i’m never fucking better, i’m never fucking over it and i’m never fucking fine. this shit is in my head all the fucking time, so please stop assuming that it isn’t because every time you think that i loose a little bit more of my hopes and courage that i actually still have when i think about recovery. so the outcome of this, if everybody keeps assuming this shit, is that i’m never going to be able so get help and recover. because i won’t have the courage and i won’t feel sick enough and i won’t feel worthy.
and i’m guessing i’m not the only one that’s going through this, so see this as a message to everyone that have somebody close who suffer from any mental illness. this shit must come to an end, and we can’t to it completely by ourselves. because if we could, we would all be better, over it and fine by now. trust me.
If you had the chance to kill yourself without hurting anyone around you, would you?
Wanting to die is easey.
Killing yourself is harder.
That’s the only reason why I’m still alive.
–lostinmysadnessx
I’m not anyone’s first choice. I’m not anyone’s favorite. People may tell me I mean a lot to them and that I’m special to them, but I know there’s someone they will always choose over me.
–lostinmysadnessx
sometimes i forget that not everyone is suicidal. like, i wonder what that feels like.